Finding Honesty

Yummy Sour Cream Fudge

"I'm in love with your love for sugar. You make no pretenses. No apologies. This greatly inspires me."

This is my new favorite quote by a sweet friend of mine from church. She wrote this in response to my sharing that I was in search of the perfect fudge recipe. That I was willing to make batches and batches of fudge until I found the recipe I craved. I mentioned that the first recipe I tried did not have that "sugar-overload" impact that I love about fudge. I, sadly, had to eat too much at one sitting to get that impact. Or, was it sadly? Maybe not.

I loved hearing that she was inspired by my love of sugar and how I made no apologies about it. It did my heart good. That inspired me in turn. Being openly honest about who you are is hard. Sometimes, after I write on my blog, I get a little nervous about being so honest. Should I have mentioned that I have "Kermit the Frog" moments? What visions do you have of me now, knowing that I, too, have my moments? But, yes, being this honest is good.

One of my all time favorite authors, Anne Lamott, is about as honest as you get. That is what I love about her. She is one of those people I would want to have dinner with, if I could. I admire people who are willing to put how they are truly feeling either in spoken or written word. Her first book I read was Operating Instructions, a journal of her son's first year. Her son was a collicky baby and she was a single-mother. Listen to her honesty:

"When he is asleep in his bassinet, the motions of his hands are as fluid and graceful as a ballerina's. They are like birds." p.154

"One thing about Sam, one thing about having a baby, is that each step of the way you simply cannot imagine loving him any more than you already do, because you are bursting with love, loving as much as you are humanly capable of-and then you do, you love him even more." p. 187

and then...

"It has been a terrible day. I'm afraid I'm going to have to let him go. He's an awful baby." p.114

"I'm not even remotely well enough to be a mother. That's where the problem is. Also, I don't think I like babies." p.114

When I first read this book, I was pregnant with my oldest. I started reading the book and was appalled. How could someone say that about their own child? And then I had my oldest and understood. If someone had whispered sweet nothings in my ear before she was born about how hard it was going to be, "You will not sleep for days...you will not eat a hot meal for months...you will cry because that is all you can do..." maybe I would not have been so appalled at Anne Lamott's honesty that first time around. I would have understood the rawness of her feelings. 

With my second and third pregnancies, I picked up the book and laughed. A big, howling laugh that made my husband lean over and say, "What are you laughing at?" I would read it to him, the ups and downs of her son's first year, and we would both laugh. Because we understood. Because we knew that, with parenting, sometimes all you can do is laugh because it is hard, crazy, satisfying, overwhelming, fun, mind-boggling, energizing, demanding, and most of all filled with the most amazing love. 

Being able to put that honesty, whether it is about my love of sugar, the toughness of raising children, or my "Kermit the Frog" moments, is good. It gives me a chance to give back to others. Because honesty is what draws me to other people. I look up to them when they are willing lay it on the line. When I ask, "How are you?" and they actually tell me how they are, it is good. Or, when in church, someone opens up and puts their grief or experience out there for all us of to hear, to commiserate, and to learn from, it is good.

So, to be honest, I am continuing to build my stash of fudge recipes. Continuing my love of sugar. It is a beautiful thing, sugar and honesty. 

Sour Cream Fudge
(shared by a dear friend who calls this her "Snow Day" fudge. Enjoy!)

2 cups of sugar

1/2 cup of sour cream

1/4 cup of corn syrup

1/4 cup of margarine or butter

2 tablespoons of cocoa

1 teaspoon of vanilla

1 cup of nuts

Mix sugar, sour cream, syrup, margarine, and cocoa. Stirring constantly, bring to a boil. Cook with an occasional stirring to a soft ball (234-238 degrees). Remove from heat. Cool until lukewarm (110 degrees). Add nuts and vanilla. Beat until thick and starts to lose it's gloss. Pour into buttered pan. Cut into squares. Yum!